Letters to Rock Stars (part 1, 2 & 3)

Posted on Sunday, April 8th, 2012 at 10:52 pm

I look to other recording artists for inspiration. I often write them letters to garner advice and wisdom. As of yet, I have received no replies but I am confident they will respond. Here are three of my most recent ones to Lady Gaga, Adele, and Bruno Mars.


Dear Lady Gaga,
As an appreciator of a fine cut of beef I was greatly intrigued by the meat dress you wore to the Grammys. Through your inspiration I have now constructed my own meat dress and wear it fashionably about town. I even assembled a small Fedora out of a filet and shoes out of muttonchops. I didn’t even know that muttons had chops! It is now going on several months and I still have not grown tired of the looks of envy as I pass by mall shoppers, moviegoers, golfers, and people waiting in line at the DMV. One question; How do you keep your meat dress fresh? I simply hang mine in the sun until I’m ready to once again be the man everyone admires. But I am open to your suggestions. Awaiting your reply.

J. Caldwell

Dear Bruno Mars,
If there is one thing we can agree on, it’s that a rousing game of Grenade Catch is always a spot on way to spend a sunny afternoon. As a child I often played Grenade Catch with my Vietnam War veteran uncle, before my parents said he had to go away on a long vacation. Although I didn’t see him again, I’ve never forgotten the way he playfully called me a little Viet Cong. I am hoping you and I can soon play a game in his honor! In preparation for this event, I have mailed several boxes of grenades to your house.

Awaiting your preferred date.

J. Caldwell

Dear Adele,
I myself have tried to set fire to the rain. It took a 20-gallon drum of gasoline, a hand operated pumping device with a guaranteed 50-foot vertical spray (Lowes), an exceedingly large novelty match (online novelty match store), and a sky laden with portentous rain clouds. The resulting cataclysmic display was very similar to when I used homemade napalm to stage a miniature recreation of the Battle of the Civil War.

But the descending “Fire Rain” fell from the sky and left no escape for the multiple feral cats that attended based on my promises of entertainment. And I am now banned from the children’s playground in my neighborhood as I chose that location for my site. What did I do wrong?

Please advise. Awaiting your reply.

J. Caldwell








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