Dear Justin Bieber,
Today I was attacked by a rabid thirteen-year-old girl who was screaming my name,
Justin, through her braced chompers.
She caught me unaware so I had no choice but to defend myself by grabbing her by
her pigtails and giving her a quick and decisive Judo chop to the neck. Just as I was about
to deliver the coup de grace, I suddenly realized why this keeps happening to me on
an almost daily basis…your fans keep mistaking me for you!
Of course it’s understandable. Both of our names are Justin and we’re both musicians!
What a small world.
Then I realized in a sudden moment of horror – you must be having this exact same
problem…although I’m sure on a much more regular basis. For this I sincerely apologize.
To think that masses of my fans are swarming you just because they think you’re me
is well…actually…pretty good for you (now that I think of it) since I’m sure you can use
some publicity right now.
And I wanted to also let you know that for future instances, my last name is spelled “C-
A-L-D-W-E-L-L.” You can just sign it as “J. Caldwell” if you want. You don’t have to worry
about writing out the first name, so long as it’s consistent.
P.S. There are some things you should say “never” about. You’ll learn.